Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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