When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
