im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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