Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
