i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
