if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize