from now on my penis is your penis
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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