U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just gargled with NyQuil
is that a dick in a sweater?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
