God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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