I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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