You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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