The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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