Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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