Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
