Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
