i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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