i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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