Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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