Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
