True but thats because hes a fetus.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Randomize
