I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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