Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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