i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
