Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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