omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
