It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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