I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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