Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
