remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
