I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
