You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
