She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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