I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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