Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize