Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
