The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize