You work out of a Hotel?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it hurts more in the daytime
operation harelip BJ is a go
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
