Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
