cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
