we have pet lesbian snakes
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
