is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
