i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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