I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
