I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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