Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
