thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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