I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize