I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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