Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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