So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
