they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
