i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
