He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
