Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
