That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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