yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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