Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
