so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
