Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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